[Trigger Warning: Discussion of sexual assault, ableism, violence, discrimination ]s.e. smith at xoJane: I Hide My Mental Illness
Those stories in the news that I read every week remind me that outward expressions of mental illness can endanger me, and that having large numbers of people aware that I am mentally ill could also be dangerous to me.
Being mentally ill means that I am more likely to be shot by police. I am more likely to be raped or assaulted, and ignored when I file a report. I am more likely to be institutionalized, to be condemned as an unfit parent (if I wanted to parent), to be denied employment or fired because my workplace refuses to accommodate me. To be falsely convicted of a crime.
These are the things I think about when I tell myself I should stop fronting, the reminder that being mentally ill already means I have a target on my back. That the only thing saving me may be my ability to compartmentalize, to front like it’s going out of style, to convince everyone around me that everything is just fine.
Another part I’d like to quote:
We are rewarded for hiding ourselves. We become the poster children for “productive” mentally ill people, because we are so organized and together. The fact that we can function, at great cost to ourselves, is used to beat up the people who cannot function.
Because unlike the people who cannot front, or who fronted too hard and fell off the cliff, we are able to “keep it together,” whatever it takes.
(….)
It also means that in those rare venues where you feel like you can be yourself, you tend to become larger than life, more stagey, more exaggerated, because you spend so much time with your wings clipped.
I am tempestuous in emails to close friends, furious with the fire of my keyboard, letting out all my frustration and rage and pent emotions. It’s like turning on a fire hose at full pressure and expecting a toddler to hold it.
(Source: se-smith)
